Icy Realization

As my car spun around in an out of control whirl along that mountain road, the moments seemed to pass slowly and I felt like I had time to think about a great many things. For one thing, I was wondering which part of my car would eventually hit the guard rail to stop the spinning and when it hit, how much damage it would do. Then I thought about how much it would cost to repair the damage and how I would be able to communicate with the auto mechanic in my limited Japanese. Then I thought about Christmas and how instead of being at home with my family I’m driving around dark mountain roads in rural Japan. Finally I thought about the last five months in blur of emotion that is as close as I’ve ever come to seeing my life flash before my eyes.

One, two, three times my car spun…the guard rail getting ever closer. I thought I might be slowing down and with each spin I waited for the impact. BAM! I hit. Where? The back…left side. My head hurt—I had hit it against the window. My heart was beating fast; I was breathing hard…when did my heart start racing? I was okay…move, slowly, get away from the icy. Slowly…don’t mess up again.

I drove down the road a little ways to where the icy mess met the dry pavement like a perverse sea frozen on the beach. My mind started retracing the incident. I was driving home from Stephron’s house at night and foolishly decided to take the mountain road because it was quicker. While the night before had brought snow to the area, the daytime sun had melted and dried most of the roads…I hoped it would be safe. I drove fast wanting to get home…I spend so much time driving here! Up the road I went…up and up…no ice…it’s okay. And then suddenly, as if the ice were rushing towards me as I rush up the mountain, I hit the dangerous white and black mess. Slow down…easy…easy. Slipping, oh no, I’m slipping, easy…oh no, I’m spinning. A terrible screeching noise sounded from my tires…it sounded more like a wraith screaming than rubber sliding and time slowed down while I just waited to hit.

Now I’m at home, safe, and my car isn’t mangled too much. The back left taillight is broken and there’s a dint just above it, but no other damage beyond that. The accident was minor when it could have been so much worse. As I sit here writing, I look back on those moments of chaos and believe that as my car spun, the loving hand of God was on me and protecting me. All those prayers from my family and friends serve to remind me of God’s presence with me here in Japan.

My journey has been long, but there is much left to do and learn. I realized as I spun on that mountain road that I’ve not been myself here in Japan. Every since I left home and left behind all the familiar people and places, I’ve felt a little paralyzed and unable to be the Justin Shaddix I use to know. I’ve been trying to tell myself, “it’s all okay…it’s all okay” whenever life’s been rough because I’ve been afraid of admitting that it’s not okay. There’s a difference between facing and coping with a difficult situation and facing and lying to yourself that’s the situation is okay. Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on in my head right now, but I know I’ve got to be honest in order to find happiness here. My trip northwards to the Esoteric Buddhist Monastery for Christmas may prove to be an insightful journey.

So now I must go and see what Fate has for me...and through it all, believe in the love of God, and the love of my friends and family.

Merry Christmas everyone.